I spent Thanksgiving being alone, making food, eating gross food, listening to music, and skyping the S.O. I thought today would have been worse than it was since I was alone all day but it wasn’t terrible knowing I was going to Skype my S.O. later that evening.. however, after skyping for a while and realizing he was having more fun talking to his friends in WoW than he was talking to me, I ended up getting off angrily and have barely talked to him since. I don’t know exactly what hurt me in the situation but something hit a nerve. Why am I less fun than his game?  Why is it that once he’s had a good time talking to me can he just go back to ignoring me for a bit?  I felt used. To me it seems like he got bored for a bit and I filled up the small amount of time he didn’t have entertainment.

It made me feel terrible knowing that he had people to keep him company better than I could and as I got off Skype in a hurry he called me twice and texted me knowing  I was upset. But how do I explain that to him?  How do i say ‘hey, I felt shitty after our almost 2 hour conversation due to my weird feelings’?  He did the whole guy thing where they say ‘talk to me’ but do they really want to know why I’m upset? Do they actually care or do they want a quick fix to the problem they partially caused?  I told him I was fine but I’m obviously not and since then he hasn’t cared to respond, probably due to him having a great time with other people. I’m mad and it is more likely that it is due to being alone all day and just wanting someone to want to talk to me but honestly I’m really sad. I want him to care that this happened but I also just want today to be over.  It honestly was a shit day. I sat alone making mostly bad food, drinking shitty drinks, and browsing the internet for 12+ hours. I need to sleep and have this sad lonely day done and over with.

Maybe I’m not cut out for this life with emotions like I thought I was.  I think I’ll go back to robot life and steer clear of these finicky emotions. They seem to make me fucked up more than they make me happy.

Edited: Next Day Edition

After posting this and going to bed upset (and still ignoring my S.O.) he was pretty upset and called me 2 more times of which I ignored.  Then I came to my senses.  Why the fuck am ignoring this person who is putting in effort to try to resolve a problem he didn’t even know existed.  I finally called him back and realized I blew the whole thing up way more than I needed to.  He said that he was hurt that I was hurt, that there is no reason for something so small to effect our overall happy relationship, if I am upset by things I need to voice my feelings & tell him so he can work with me in fixing those issues, and that me not responding made things a lot worse. I realized while he was talking that if I would have been more honest and told him ‘hey, I was lonely all day and all i wanted was to talk to you so can you ignore your friends and hang out with me some more?’  he would have said yes in a heart beat and I would not have been so irrationally upset.

The moral of this long stupid situation I created: Love makes you irrational on days when you are lonely and be honest with those who love you, that is all they really want.

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