Hello World! My name is Carrie and I live in Madison, Wisconsin. I am a recent college graduate who is on a journey to find out what the next step of my life is. My plan the last couple years has been to finish undergraduate work, take a year off, then go back to school for a Masters in Library Sciences. I have only been out of school for a month and I already feel like my plan is less than perfect. Even with 2 part time jobs I have more time than I know what to do with. This blog is my way of documenting my daily life and the things I do on my path to understanding me. At the moment I see myself posting about my life in Madison, the food I cook & bake, the books I read, and all the other things I do as a fat girl.
I am not ashamed to be fat and I do not apologize for my size or weight. As a young girl I was told that I needed to lose weight by my family and some of the adults in my life but I did not understand why. I thought I was happy, but when a person you consider an important member of you life tells you to lose weight, you begin to question the world around you. As a child I did not understand that the adults in my life wanted me to be happy and healthy. I figured that these adults meant that I was not good enough for them. I began to hate how I looked. I felt as though I was unattractive and less of a person than the people around me. By the time high school hit I became the funny friend or better known as the fat friend. Since I have always been the biggest girl in my group of friends I considered myself the ugliest one amongst them. I made up for my lack of looks with my attitude and hid behind a 80 foot wall of sarcasm and sass. Even as I began my life in college I could not overcome my size. In the classroom I felt that I was nothing more that a fat girl in a chair. I did not look for romantic endeavors or even friends for the first couple years of college life because I was too afraid of being judged by those around me.
When I finally decided to move to Wisconsin for school I was nervous. I was about to be all alone in a new city. I had barely moved into my new place before I met a bunch of new people and began to find my place as the new fat friend in college. I thought I would never escape this vicious cycle. It was not until a 2 years ago, when I moved to my apartment that I began to like me more and more. I started to appreciate who I was as a woman rather than as a number on a scale. I began to see more and more women my size express that they loved themselves and I realized I was allowed to love myself too. This is not easy. In fact this may never be easy. I have had to literally say to myself that I am worthy of love and respect no matter my size many times. I know this journey is nowhere close to being over. I know that I have had and will have many days where I hate how I look and wish I was a size 6. However, loving me is worth every hard day, every dirty look, and every single snarky comment.